White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Randomize