I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
