I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
