Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I didn't want to shower, so I shaved my legs in the pool . That drunk .
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
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