note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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