I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
