non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
