My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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