I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
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