I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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