mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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