dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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