o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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