the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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