just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
