Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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