then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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