I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Dude, she's just using you for your money, and Cavs tickets.
Honestly, what else do I have going for me?
You make a valid point.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
there are casual beer cans in all of the public trashes, i belong here
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
Randomize
