I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
