final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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