Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
