That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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