I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
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