I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Randomize
