i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
Randomize
