Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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