worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize