OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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