Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
The ass gains better be worth it
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