Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
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