fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
we're chasing vodka with high fives
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Randomize
