I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
She's dancing around licking a fork of nutella. She is not sober.
Randomize
