Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
So much Jack, so little girl.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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