I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
