Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I'm intrigued by how his mouth tasted the same as his dick.
Randomize
