Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
