Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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