she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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