life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
Princesses don't give blow jobs
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Randomize
