What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I skipped work to stalk him.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
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