I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
We'll talk about this tommorrow when I'm not mistaking my fingers for French fries....
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
