remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
