i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
