I think I won the penis lottery.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
