ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
not ubering you a puppy
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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