Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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