and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
Randomize
