just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
