I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
I just really hate taking care of things... If I can't fill it with liquor I'm not sure what to do with it.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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