I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
