I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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