So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
