meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
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