she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
