I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Dick very happy bro
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
