how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
Randomize
