Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I should be trashily making out with an air force cadet in the beach volleyball court by now
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Need advice bro. Which one should I take: the blonde devil crying in the corner or the brunette crawling on the floor acting like a dinosaur??
Randomize
