Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I'm pretty sure I went in the girls bathroom and vomited everywhere then looked for a urinal for like 20 minutes
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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